FWFWW Ep 1: A psychic, a biter and plenty of flirting

So, all we can do now is suck back a bit of drench, have a rest and perhaps do a worm egg count.

Or we could just watch the show.

A brand new season of Farmer Wants a Wife has kicked off, and we are once again shown a montage of beautiful views, farmers looking sad and stroking crops, and voice-overs about wanting to find their person.

To be honest, the boys are going to have to work pretty hard to find a wife this year, because last year all five blokes left the show with their chosen lady.

But we are sure host Sam Farmytage won't want to bring that u.....

"All five farmers found love!" she boasts.

Yup. Last year four farmers and one Department of Ag employee fell in love. But Sam's not done - she tells us Farmer Brad and his partner Claire from last year have had a baby, and Farmer David asked Emily to marry him.

Also Farmer Andrew (the guy who stole roses from his mum) and Jess from 2021 got engaged.

Strangely, there were camera crews present at both proposals.

But enough showing off - we have five new farmers this year, and producers are going to prop them up in weird places, like in the haystack or balancing on a two-wheeler, to look at the profiles of women who applied.

The boys get to choose eight women to come and meet them at the Hunter Valley, and then pick five to head home to the farm.

The girls arrive in a clamour of screaming, laughing and hugging at the Hunter Valley.

We hear lots of comments we hear EVERY YEAR.

"I'm ready to leave the city behind!"

"City boys don't know what they want."

"It's farmer time!"

Oh man.

They skip joyfully into the lovely old house holding hands - I'm guessing they won't be doing that on the farm when they have to watch their farmer snogging another chick in the bushes.

Sam Farmytage arrives in a dress made of fairy floss and fires questions to the horde of excited ladies.

"How are you feeling?" she asks.

"BBFHJUYUIOGFTDERSWERUIOKIIOY!" they all reply.

"Are you ready to meet your farmers?"

"KGTUIJIOHYTYTPKGFRRSGJIUR!" they scream.

She tells them the farmers have been 'plucked from their paddocks'.

This sounds a little like the boys have been abducted, but we will see.

Oh - it's ok - here they come walking in slow-mo down the drive for an hour.

They smile at each other and slap each other's chest. Farmer Dean has been selected as the One to Wear a Hat and he tips it.

Each farmer enters the barrel room to screams of 'he's hot!!!'.

"Farmer Joe is everything I thought he would be," one lady declares upon seeing Farmer Joe walk in the room.

Because he's a farmer, and his name is Joe. Right. Tick.

Sam gestures to the men like they are sides of beef hanging in the cool room and declares they are 'gorgeous'.

She also points out beneficial features of each farmer like an auctioneer about to sell a pen of lambs at the yards.

(In the best auctioneer, fast-talking voice)

"Sale-o sale-o! Well look here, ladies and gentleman, we've got a fine group of blokes here for the taking. There's some beautiful blue eyes ready for your bidding, so who will start me off..."

Each farmer is plonked somewhere and each lady is led away from the group to meet with him.

The girls go all out in trying to impress the farmers - food, flowers, singing, poems.

We see Farmer Bert plopped on a verandah - he's the pineapple and dragon fruit grower from Wamuran, Queensland.

He meets Karli - they blush at each other.

When she returns to the group, the other ladies screech 'are you in love?' at her.

In fact, there is one lady in Bert's group that is looking a bit touchy, like a freshly weaned colt.

April gets more crabby every time a lady disappears to chat to Bert.

It turns out pretty much half of Condobolin lives on Farmer Dustin's place, where he runs a HEAP of goats, as well as everything else.

To tell the truth, poor Condo gets a bit of a pizzling. According to Dustin and Sam, there is NO ONE to date at Condo. No one.

Poor Condonians (as they will now be known) thought this was going to be the most exciting thing since Shannon Noll filmed What About Me? in the main street with a horde of locals desperate to be on TV.

Sorry, Condo. There is no one in your town to date.

He also meets another chick who shows him her scar and says 'her friend bit her'.

"Just don't bite me and we're good," she purrs. Ummmm.

Farmer Dean is from Kandanga, Queensland, and is seen not only dancing in front of everyone, but also replying "moooooo!!!!" to one of his cows that are yarded behind him.

He drew the short straw and is left perched out on an old rusty ute.

He gets to meet Tiffany, who has made him brownies. He is WAY too excited about the brownies.

"S**t yeah!" he yells while cramming seven of them into his mouth.

Tiffany sits there tossing her head around like a horse avoiding the bit and touching his arm.

A lot of the ladies are remarking they are 'getting lost in his eyes'.

But he is about to deal with something more frightening than lack of direction - Bella.

"My psychic told me I will marry a farmer," she declares.

She also describes herself as blonde, pink dress, and obsessed with shoes and handbags.

Score.

She again repeats that her psychic TOLD HER SHE WILL MARRY A FARMER.

Did the psychic warn you about the branch you headbutted as you walked away?

But Farmer Bert is also dealing with a handful.

Olivia thinks she is at a job interview. While the poor bloke tries to get a word out, she bombards him with her full resume and why she is good for the job. Also, she doesn't want dogs.

But there is also an upside - he met lovely Lauren, who is a pirate from New Zealand. She sails Optimus Prime, or something.

But Aggravated April isn't waiting any longer - she stomps up the lawn, commando rolls on the verandah and makes the pirate walk the plank.

Anyway, after the boys think long and hard about their decisions, they round up the ladies that were found aimlessly wandering the paddocks after getting lost in Dean's eyes, and the boys make their picks.

During this ordeal, Sam Farmytage decides she wants to be a yoga instructor and keeps telling everyone to 'take a deep breath'.

Ok, here are the lucky ladies going to the farms.

Farmer Dean picked Tiffany, Teegan, Kate, Hayley and psychic-loving Bella.

Farmer Dustin picks Anna, Sophie, Chloe, Izzy and Kara.

Farmer Bert picked Karli, Caity, Caitlin, the pirate and Aggravated April.

Tomorrow night the final two farmers will meet their ladies and hopefully make better decisions.

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